WTF is happening at Chelsea?

Someday, Chelsea will stop trying so hard to be the main characters of the transfer window. Today is not that day. Here’s a nice linear narrative of what’s going on, for people who were smart enough to go outside this weekend instead of reading Twitter.

On Friday, within seconds of the newsletter going out, Fabrizio Romano reported that Chelsea were in negotiations to buy Wolves winger Pedro Neto for £51m, and that move has since been announced by the club.

I previously mentioned in this newsletter that I don’t like Neto, both because of his injury history and substandard production. I think Chelsea have signed a mixtape highlights player who doesn’t actually do anything, and that’s when he plays. I’d honestly rather just have Noni Madueke, who’s been the subject of interest from Newcastle, and would probably go for half what Chelsea paid for Neto.

But that’s all quite normal compared to what followed. Conor Gallagher’s move to Atlético Madrid appeared to be as good as done, given that the club even posted a picture of him at their stadium.

All they were waiting for was Chelsea to finalize the signing of young striker Samu Omorodion, who was moving in the other direction for a similar fee to balance the books for both sides. But David Ornstein reported that the two sides couldn’t agree to a contract, and that Chelsea won’t be signing Samu. That means Gallagher can’t sign for Atléti, unless…

Jorge Mendes to the rescue! Neto’s agent is also the agent for Atléti attacker João Félix, who Atléti would very much like to sell. He spent last season on loan at Barcelona, who were not impressed enough to spend the limited money they have to make the deal permanent.

Mendes is a notoriously tough negotiator, but having just done an extremely swift deal with another one of his clients, Chelsea are clearly unfazed by this. Fab says Felix wants the move. The reported fee is around €50m, but that’s not particularly relevant — the fee and payment structure for Felix and Gallagher will be whatever allows both teams to book a profit without raising any kind of financial doping suspicions.

Felix played much more left winger than center forward last season. You might be wondering, don’t Chelsea already have a decent starting left winger who makes a very large salary? Why yes they do.

I’m not sure I get the idea of swapping out Raheem Sterling for Felix. Every big transfer news reporter is saying that the Blues are still trying to sign Victor Osimhen, an elite goal scorer who doesn’t really do anything else besides score goals. Complimenting him with a left winger who does nothing well but shoot instead of one who sets up a decent number of chances like Sterling seems completely mad.

Gianluca di Marzio is reporting that Juventus are interested in Sterling, and they expect to face competition from other Premier League clubs. Given that Sterling earns an estimated £17m per year, I think he’d have to be extremely desperate to leave Chelsea and willing to take a pay cut for this to be real. Juventus have told Federico Chiesa to do one over his €7m per season wage demands, so surely they’re not paying Sterling more than double that?

So, there you have it. Chelsea’s doing whatever they can to secure their Felix-Osimhen-Neto fantasy front line. Can they actually afford this? Does it make them a better football team? Who cares! We’re vibing.

It’s only August 12, by the way. We’ve got another 3 weeks of this. Todd Boehly and Behdad Eghbali aren’t done ripping packs to find rare golds. I just need 100,000 more FIFA coins mom, I swear I’ll stop after one more pack.

News and rumours

• Kingsley Coman has fallen down the depth chart at Bayern Munich, and boy is his agent busy. He’s been linked to both Arsenal and Barcelona, and any move would probably be a loan with an obligation to buy next summer. He’s a solid playmaker, but not a good shooter. He’s also on big wages (reportedly £17m a year) and I wouldn’t agree to an obligation to buy a guy like this who’s about to be 29, but I think he’s still a good player.

• Manchester United are expect to complete the signings of Matthias De Ligt and Noussair Mazraoui shortly, with Aaron Wan-Bissaka also agreeing to his move to West Ham. Sensible bits of business for everyone involved here, I think.

• United is also apparently still interested in Jarrad Branthwaite. Or maybe Branthwaite’s agent would really like them to come back in with an improved bid. Or maybe Everton would really like £50m or so to balance their books.

• Bayern might have a center back target we haven’t heard about yet, because their reported deal to sign Jonathan Tah is apparently off. I can’t imagine they’d sell De Ligt without having something else lined up?

• Tottenham completed the purchase of Dominic Solanke for a price that could rise to £65m, which is both Tottenham’s record purchase and Bournemoth’s record sale. I think it’s a bit risky, but if he matches his production from last season, Spurs will be thrilled.

• Aberdeen have also made their club record sale, shipping striker Bojan Miovski to Girona for £6.8m. The 25-year-old Macedonian has had monster back-to-back campaigns in Scotland and should make a very nice Artem Dovbyk replacement.

• Poor Crystal Palace can’t hold off the raiders. After losing Michael Olise early in the window, they’ve been subjected to constant interest for Eberechi Eze and Marc Guehi, who they’ve stuck to £60m+ asking prices for. Now Fulham has bid £20m for center back Joachim Andersen and also been told to do one. I’m very sorry to Palace fans, but the vultures are going to start circling Adam Wharton and Tyrick Mitchell too. I would not want to be Steve Parish or Oliver Glasner at the moment.

• Preston North End have parted ways with manager Ryan Lowe after ONE game, a 2-0 loss to Sheffield United. Not The Top 20 discussed how his style of play had been unpopular with fans, but it seems a bit odd to give him a whole preseason in charge if you were willing to do this?

• If you’re wondering who might be next on the chopping block in the Championship, Wayne Rooney’s Plymouth Argyle gave up an astonishing 30 shots and 3.98 xG in a 4-0 loss to Sheffield Wednesday. Ouch.

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